he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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