i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Never let your siblings swipe right.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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