mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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