This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
