he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
