So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
