yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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