How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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