He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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