he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im six kinds of drunk right now
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Randomize
