adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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