Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
