My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
