this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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