I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
