I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
