is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
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All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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