If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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