I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
