whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
