Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
