My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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