Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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