I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
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It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
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jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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