New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
