If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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