I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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