A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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