we have pet lesbian snakes
I need help removing her.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
