the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
