There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
