I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he shaved USA in his pubs
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
