guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
