I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
As shirtless as possible
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
