Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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