there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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