I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...