Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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