Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
