Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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