I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
