this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I supernannyed him into submission
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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