just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
