some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i believe in u and ur pee
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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