I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
