is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
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The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
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Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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