No awkward lesbian experiences without me
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
