i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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