I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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