we have officially lost it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
