Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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