When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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