i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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