Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
